Untitled
by Linen Tartaruga
Summary: When one experiences something traumatic, they cannot move past it for many years, if at all. This emotional and mental torture can sometimes manifest itself in dreams or nightmares...


DISCLAIMER: The only thing I own that has anything to do with FullMetal Alchemist is a couple of issues of Newtype Magazine and episodes 1-36 of the series. I make no money off of this, so please don't sue me, I'm a poor broke college student, so there would be no point anyways.

NOTES/WARNINGS: Be forewarned, this story involves some pretty disturbing images, bodily fluids, and shonen ai (aka, guy schnuggles). The idea came from an RPG I'm in and I haven't gotten the chance to play it out there yet but this plotbunny's been gnawing at my brain rather annoyingly for the past couple of months, so I decided to sate it for the time-being with a fic. This story takes place in the universe that was created in the RPG, so it is slightly AU; all you really need to know, I think, is that Ed was unable to save Al when he was taken through the Laws of Equivalant Trade and that Roy and Ed are currently in a relationship. "Puppy" is Roy's nickname for Ed because he's "too young to be a 'Dog' of the Military" (thank Skells for that ;D). Uh, there should be no spoilers to speak of, except maybe for the first few episodes where they're explaining the brothers' past, but if there are others I apologize ahead of time.

LEGEND:  
"..."- dialogue '...'- thoughts

"Brother! Brother! Please, brother! Help me! Please help me! Brother, please!"

Ed reached as far as he could, tears streaming down his face and blurring his vision as he tried desperately to take his brother's hand, but something was holding him back! Something was keeping him from saving Alphonse! He looked back and saw the misshapen attempted-homonculus holding his left leg with two spider-like arms and he tasted bile rise in his throat as a long, slimy, yellow tongue slipped out from its lipless mouth, tracing a line around the middle of his thigh. The boy turned back to his younger brother, who was being devoured by a similar monster, his teeth gritting against the disgusting sensations, afraid that if he opened his mouth to call for Alphonse or scream in horror and disgust he'd vomit.

"Brother, please help me"  
The voice rang through his ears like no other ever had or ever would, he knew that... Why did he know that? 'Because it's a dream!' The realization struck Ed too late, as it had every other time; Al had already been ingested by the pathetic twisted creature that was now swallowing his right arm, even as the one at his leg matched it; then, in one simultanious movement, the two perversions bit down on Ed's limbs with teeth like steel and the blonde finally opened his mouth to scream.

The sensations were so real: the sickening feel of the slimy tongues against his skin, the pain as his limbs were torn from his body, and Ed could feel them even as his scream finally woke him from the nightmare. Ed was sitting up in bed, panting, sweating, and desperately searching the darkness for any signs that it hadn't been just another nightmare as he fought back his nausea. A gentle hand on his left wrist and Ed tensed again, tasting the remains of his dinner work their way up from his stomach. "What's wrong, Puppy?"

He recognized that voice. "Nothing," he murmured as convincingly as he could, shifting his hand to hold Roy's, "Just a little stomach-ache. Gonna go to the bathroom, go back to sleep." He gave his lover's hand a weak squeeze then slipped off the bed and out of the bedroom next door to the bathroom without so much as a glance at Roy.

Once inside the bathroom, Ed closed the door, turned on the light and then the cold water, taking his usual moment to appreciate the advantages of the city (namely electricity and indoor plumbling) before splashing the cold water on his face. It had been a while; he'd always had nightmares, nearly every night since that one, but it had been atleast a month since he'd had one this bad. The blonde knelt on the floor in front of the toilet, another wave of nausea sweeping over him as he remembered the feel of the creatures' mouths, warm and wet against his skin, eating his arm and leg after devouring his brother. He didn't understand it; that hadn't happened, he hadn't gone anywhere near the homonculus, so why could he feel it so vividly? The boy dry-heaved a few times over the toilet, but nothing came of it and Ed sat with his back leaning against the cold porcelain and feeling the chill of the tile floor through his boxers and shivering slightly as he blinked away the slight moisture that had gathered in his eyes. He hugged his legs to his chest, resting his cheek against his knee with a sigh; he wouldn't be getting back to sleep again tonight. The blonde's eyes narrowed a few moments later as he caught movement outside the door; he'd locked it, hadn't he?

"Edward?" Apparently not. Amber eyes drank in the form at the door: a well-built chest flanked by strong, capable arms, a pair a plain black pajama pants clinging loosely to his hips, dark hair mussed attractively after a few hours's sleep, and that same dark obsidian mirrored in deep eyes that saw more than anyone, even their owner sometimes knew. Those intense eyes were now narrowed in concern at his young lover curled up in front of his toilet; the boy looked...exhausted, and not just because he'd only had a few hours's sleep. 

Roy caught the briefest glimpse of weariness in those amber eyes before it was gone in a weak smile that would have fooled anyone but the man in front of him. "I told you, I'm fine; I probably just ate something bad for lunch."

"I don't believe you." Roy stepped into the bathroom, dropping to one knee in front of Ed and holding his gaze. "What's wrong?"

"I should have locked that door." the blonde muttered with a humorless smirk, turning his face away from Roy's dark concerned gaze. "You should go back to bed, you have to be up in a few hours. I'll be in in a minute."

Roy frowned as he was so blatantly dismissed by the boy and he shifted over so he was sitting in front of him, leaning over slightly and trying to catch his gaze again. "What happened, Puppy? Talk to me." Silence. "...Was it another nightmare?"

That got a response; Ed stiffened visibly, though Roy couldn't see his face. "How did you know?"

Roy had to strain to hear the murmured words and he sighed quietly. "You talk in your sleep sometimes." The man lifted his gaze back up from the floor to the form of his young lover, now shaking slightly.

Hesitantly, Roy reached out to place a gentle hand the blonde's who immediately shrunk away from it. "Just...go back to bed. I'll be fine."

Ed's voice was seemingly calm, but Roy could hear the underlying pain in his tone and wouldn't be convinced so easily. "Please talk to me, Puppy. I can't stand seeing you like this." Nothing. "Puppy, I-" Roy reached out to the boy again only to have Ed flinch away before he even made contact. "If that's the way you feel, Edward," the man sighed, trying to keep the hurt out of his voice that his lover couldn't even stand to be touched by him, "Then fine. I'll wait for you in bed...in case you decide you want to talk." he added quietly. With that, Roy stood and started for the door, only pausing to look back as his hand met the doorknob before he began closing it behind him.

"...I thought I'd gotten over them, outgrown them or...something; the really bad ones anyway..." The quiet voice stopped Roy in his tracks and he slowly stepped back into the bathroom, though he stayed near the doorway watching Ed who remained in that same defensive position. "How long has it been?" the man asked gently, "Since the last one?"

There was a pause as Ed considered his answer and he shifted slightly when he spoke, "About a month or so since a bad one...two or three days since the last minor one."

Roy winced; was it really that bad for him? He ventured further into the bathroom, slowly and ready to retreat at any sign from Ed. "What happened?" The man truly believed that it might help the blonde to get some of this off of his chest, but he couldn't deny that he was a little curious himself.

Ed didn't answer until his lover was crouching down near him and he turned away until the toilet was nearly at his side. "I'd rather not-" The blonde was cut off by a warm hand on his left arm. Ed followed that hand with his eyes up the arm until he saw the man it belonged to, his dark eyes and entire countenance simply radiating concern for the boy. "Don't worry about me," he murmured with as convincing a smile as he could muster, "I've dealt with worse before, you know that."

Roy frowned, "But you shouldn't have to go through it over and over again... Atleast not alone." He caught Ed's gaze and held it; the boy looked like he wanted desperately to just release all of the sorrow and anger and despair and pain that he'd pent up over the years right there but knew, for a reason completely beyond Roy, that he couldn't.

And he didn't; the blonde merely gave a disapproving frown and turned away from the man again, though he made no move to remove the hand still resting on his arm. "It doesn't matter what I 'should' or 'shouldn't have to do,' only what I have to do." The boy's voice was quiet but the tone was accepting no argument otherwise.

Of course, on of the priveleges that Roy enjoyed as Ed's commanding officer was that he didn't have to follow Ed's orders, silent or spoken. "So why, then, do you 'have to' suffer like this? Alone?" he demanded, squeezing the boy's arm slightly unconsciously. He added in a much gentler tone, "Why won't you let me help you?"

"Because I don't deserve it." came Ed's answer, his tone bordering miserable.

He was shaking again, almost as if it had taken most of his strength to say those few words and Roy took a firm hold of his lover and forcibly turned him so they were facing each other and the man found himself gazing into deep golden eyes, pained and pleading. Pleading for what? For him to stop asking questions and leave the boy to wallow in his misery alone until he came back to bed. But why? Why shouldn't he be allowed some comfort after all he'd done and been through over meager fifteen years? "Why do you deserve it any less than anyone else!"

Before Ed knew what was going on, he found himself pressed against his lover's chest, half-sitting in his lap and warm strong arms wrapped around him protectively. He wasn't sure if Roy had pulled him there or if he'd simply collapsed there himsef but he buried his face in the crook of Roy's neck, inhaling deeply and letting their mingled warmth seep through him. "What in the world makes you think you don't deserve any help?" Roy asked gently against blonde hair.

"Because I couldn't help him." answered Ed without even thinking. This was why the boy never wanted to be near anyone after one of his really bad nightmares, especially Roy; his emotions were always boiled so highly afterwards that he felt that even the gentlest of proddings would make them spill over, but he didn't want that to happen, couldn't let that happen because whatever pain he felt, emotional or physical, it was nothing compared to the pain Al must have felt when his body was being torn apart and consumed through the laws of Equivilent Trade. He couldn't let that happen, he had no right to take comfort in anyone when he couldn't save his brother when he'd needed him most.

Roy was silent a few moments, knowing exactly who and what Ed was talking about but not wanting to push the boy into shutting him out again. "There was nothing you could have done, Love. You know that." he murmured finally, gently stroking soft blonde hair which he'd freed from its braid earlier in the evening.

"I could have listened to him from the start instead of forcing him into doing something he didn't want to do and knew was wrong!" Ed objected, pressing closer to Roy's bare chest and fisting his hands frustratedly. Normally, he didn't indulge in "what if's" - what had happened happened and there was nothing you could ever do to change it, you just had to do what you thought was best to make it right again - but he'd already started talking and he couldn't stop himself from barreling on forward.

"I only know Alphonse from what you've told me," Roy began gently, trying to calm the boy down, "But if he was anything like you, then I don't think he would have done anything he didn't want to, even if it was at your prompting."

"But," Ed objected again, "He didn't want to! He always brought up some argument against it from the moment I suggested it to the day we finally did it! He knew something was going to go wrong, otherwise it wouldn't have been forbidden, but I didn't listen to him and he-" The boy's voice broke as he shut his eyes against the tears that threatened to spill. 'He paid the price for my stubborn stupidity!' he thought desperately.

Roy held his young lover protectively in his arms, hearing his breathing begin to shake with oncoming tears and unable to do anything to comfort him. "I couldn't save him." Ed muttered, "I was weak and stupid and he suffered for it!" The boy didn't seem to realize what he was saying anymore but Roy was more than aware. Narrowing his eyes slightly, the man took hold of Ed's shoulders and pulled him away enough that he could look into his eyes, wet with tears and eyebrows furrowing in confusion as he searched the man's eyes.

"You are not weak, Edward." the man said firmly. "You never have been; nor are you stupid in any way. You have made plenty of mistakes, yes, but so have I, and so have every person you've ever come in contact with, even Alphonse and your mother." Ed's eyes narrowed and flinched away at that but a quick shake from Roy brought his gaze back. "It's true, Edward, and you know that better than anyone. But just because you've made a few mistakes doesn't mean that you deserve a lifetime of pain and self-torture! Especially not at this age! You were eleven years old, you were just a child and allowed to make a few mistakes-"

"A mistake! Is that what you call it!" Ed couldn't help exploding at the man and pulling away from him, staring at him in disbelief. "It wasn't just a mistake, Roy; it was...a...perversion! That thing wasn't even human! It was a monster, a monster that I created! You make it sound as if I was trying to make a hat or something and ended up with a bowl instead by accident. I was trying to create a life, Roy! And I did! But it wasn't-... it wasn't-" Ed's left hand clapped over his mouth as he quickly crawled back over to the toilet. Roy, who'd been listening to the boy's speech silently and watching him almost sadly quickly knelt down behind him and pulled his lover's hair away as he leaned over the toilet and vomited, gently stroking up and down the boy's back, murmuring comfortingly in his ear.

Ed finally flushed the toilet and crawled over to the sink, standing up shakily and leaning heavily on the counter as he turned on the cold water. He splashed some on his face, washing away the sweat and tears and then filled and refilled the cup beside the sink a few times, swishing the water around his mouth with a grimace to rinse away the taste of semi-digested foods and stomach acids. It was to be expected, really; he was working himself up so much on only a few hours of nightmare-ridden sleep, then add into that not only the memories of what had actually happened that night but also the all-too-realistic dream that had awakened him and he was bound to make himself sick. Roy finally stood and wrapped his arms loosely around the blonde's waist. "Come back to bed, Puppy." he murmured, nuzzling the boy's ear. "You're upset-"

"Well, that's an understatement."

"-And you're tired - we both are. We can talk about this later, after we've had some sleep and calmed down a bit." Ed wasn't sure how likely it was that he would be talking about this anytime in the forseeable future; unless he was too exhausted to care, like just now, or if he was drunk, which he also didn't see happening anytime soon; or if he just went crazy, which, at this point, seemed the most likely of the three. The boy gazed at his lover through the mirror, watching his own head tilt into the gentle nipping at his earlobe and his eyes lidding. It still amazed him how this man, who used to take such joy in torturing him, was able to so easily disarm him now. "Come back to bed, Love." the man whispered again, tightening his hold on the blonde slightly.

"Okay." Ed whispered back and caught a mischievous flash in Roy's eyes.

A moment later, Ed found himself lying in his lover's arms, his own circled around the man's neck to steady himself. "Get the light?" Roy murmured as he nudged the boy's nose with his own. Ed nodded vaguely as he closed the short distance between their lips and groped around the wall with his hand until he hit the light switch. Roy carried the blonde back down the hall to his bedroom, expertly navigating the room even though he was preoccupied kissing the beautiful creature in his arms. They finally broke contact as the man laid Ed back on the bed and the blonde followed Roy around the bed with his eyes, only pulling the covers back over him once his lover laid back down. Strong arms once again encircled the boy, pulling him against Roy protectively as he pressed soft kisses to Ed's hair, forehead, and mouth. "I love you." the boy murmured, snuggling closer to Roy with a quiet yawn.

"I love you too, Puppy." he murmured back, resting his cheek against soft blonde hair; but the boy was already asleep, his breathing slow and deep. Roy stayed awake a bit longer to make sure Ed's sleep was undisturbed and ready to wake him up if necessary. It wasn't. 


End file.
